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Today I Am…. Frustrated

Last week I wrote about always being on the edge of my seat waiting for the next piece of drama to arrive in my life. Well on Monday it did.

As we all might have noticed the UK has gone into lockdown version 2. With N at his parents house this meant he could still see the children. On Monday N told me that he was moving back in with A as he didn’t want to be alone (even though his parents would be there) during the next four weeks of lockdown. He really wanted to be able to see A. His parents would not allow for him to stay with her and with them. So what did N choose to do? He chose to move back in with A. Now on a romantic level between me and N I actually feel fine about this. No jealousy and I don’t feel abandoned anymore. I think this is because I’ve realised what an absolute douche bag he is.

The fact of the matter is he chose himself and his girlfriend above being able to see the children. I will briefly explain why….. N now lives with A, his parents will not allow for those two households to mix. The children are not currently allowed to As house because of our 6 months stable relationship agreement before the children are ready to meet new partners. N used to have the children at his parents house which he is no longer allowed to visit. How is he going to see his children??? Selfish as hell. As long as he is happy in lockdown then nothing else matters. 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

The children have gone with N this morning but they are going outside for the day with no toilets and no where open apart from essential shops its freezing and raining so no doubt it wont be a lovely family day out. I would have offered for him to have the children at my house but he feels uncomfortable supposedly and then where am I meant to go 🤣 It’s not going to work for the next few weeks and I have to accept that I might have to have the children 7 days a week.

I lost my temper with N on Monday afternoon, this is a rare occurrence on my part. We had a screaming match at each other in my living room. He will never be able to be the dad that the kids need and that makes me sad and angry. N being As support bubble would have solved all of this and that speaks volumes that he wasn’t willing to stop thinking about his dick and to put his children first. Maybe he is a narcissist but at least on a selfish level (removing the kids from the equation) at least he is out of my hair.

I’ve decided I’m going to move out of the house me and the kids currently live in as soon as the divorce is finalised. At the snails pace its currently moving it going to be Christmas! Me and the kids need a fresh start.

I think I may also have an attraction to older men since breaking up with with N. Someone who has their life sorted, have and see their children on a regular basis and can look after themselves. This is really attractive to me at the moment. Someone with no drama and someone who is at the same life stage as me. I really just want a simple life and to find someone who I can do nice things with like go for lunch, or sit on the beach with a book in silence without it being awkward (like the gorgeous man in the picture above). I don’t want spontaneous or a chaotic lifestyle (it’s chaotic enough getting the kids to school and nursery Monday-Friday 🤣)just enjoy the simple things. I’m sure there must be someone who can fill this role. Or do I just need some male companionship? Who knows what I want at the moment, it could be serious or something less serious…… just something where everyone knows where they stand. Surely adults can do that. Is it a friend with benefits?

Some good news…….. I’ve lost my London weight and this week has been filled with friends over video calls which has been hilarious. It seems on Wednesday evening I had an epiphany in my tipsy video call to a friend and I promised her that she could tell A about Ns inappropriate messages to me during the past few weeks. This is not a good idea….. I’m all about no drama from now on. ABORT MISSION !! 🤣

Speak soon



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