This last week has been pretty eye opening…. where do I start? 🤷♀️
I am in demand. I don’t want to be in demand but I am.
N has increased contact with me for the past week over little and daft things which didn’t really need to be said. He then let slip that A (his girlfriend) was going to be going away on holiday from Thursday onwards. The increased contact now made sense! Thursday evening we exchanged texts about the kids and he mentioned that he felt lonely (hysterical I know). Not lonely because he was missing out on everything the kids were doing, lonely because he didn’t have time away from A with his friends. Surely her going on holiday is classed as time apart for them both? There are many things wrong with this which I will break down below.
- That N thinks that its perfectly fine to contact me because his girlfriend is not available 😡 which works wonders for my self-esteem 🙄
- That N thinks that trying to video call me to try and persuade me into video call sex is a good idea – It’s not.
- That N and A are still in their honeymoon period and he wants time away which he isn’t getting and he decided to talk to me about it. – The mind boggles! Talk to your girlfriend you bloody idiot.
- That N thinks that I will be at his beck and call regarding his emotional needs when he clearly has no care about mine.
I obviously still have feelings for N (it’s really not that easy to get over a marriage in a few weeks or months). But this past week has shown me his true colours. He doesn’t want to be with me but he wants me as a back up if things go wrong with A. I’m not going to be that person. I am not someone’s second choice or fail safe. I am a decent person who deserves a persons full attention.
This brings me onto the second reason I am in demand.
I signed up to a dating website 😬 and more or less straight away I was inundated with messages. I’m not sharing this with everyone to blow my own trumpet – more to share that signing up to a dating website is much like having an additional part time job on top of your actual job and being a parent. There just isn’t enough hours in the day to keep up contact with people to try and find someone you are compatible with.
In the past….. a long long long long time ago I have been signed up to every single dating website possible (not all at the same time haha) and once I got married I used to think to myself how lucky that I didn’t have to do that anymore. How wrong was I??!! 🤣
So with some encouragement from a friend I signed up. Not because I am ready to date in any way shape or form. I think I signed up to show that I’m taking forward steps and if something, someone or dates come along then I would be totally fine with it. Erghhhhhhhhhhh this is not how I feel in the slightest. I feel like I am just going through the motions. And I am constantly talking to these mens’ pictures like an absolute lunatic asking “What is wrong with you?” “You are successful, do charity work and good looking why are you not married already?” “Are you even single?” And if I get another surprise dick pic sent to my inbox I could run a porn website. So yes……. I am certainly not ready to date and if I have to go through the same old spiel about; what’s my name and where do I come from (like a bad episode of blind date) I’m going to scream.
So what have I learnt from this week?
- That although N says he has totally moved on he really hasn’t and wants me to be his back up wife. This makes me realise that I would rather be on my own/single sharing my deepest fears and emotions with you on a public forum than rushing into dating again. I don’t want to rush moving on because the pain and hurt I am feeling have to be dealt with rather than replacing it with a distraction.
- That the connection/spark between me and N is still there but it may only be a sexual thing, I still need to figure this out.
- That online dating is frustrating, time consuming and you have to be prepared to be shocked 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆
Last words from me today………
When using dating websites do not plug your mobile phone into your work laptop to charge it, what it actually does is back up the files from everything onto your work laptop. Who knew?!!
I’m now pretty sure that the IT department at work think I’m running a porn website in my spare time using work resources or……. that I have an unhealthy obsession with dicks which I need to have access to during work hours 🤦
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